Just Another Day With Me

Ugly

I don't feel good about myself..I feel old... used up. Older... tired. Not attractive.  Today I feel especially ugly. I spent my life battling these feelings about myself... I'm 34 years old. I'm not getting younger.  I'm in the prime years of insecurity.   I still feel ugly...  I don't feel as bad about myself as I used to... but... its still a struggle... everyday...  to look in the mirror. I can pick apart 1000 imperfections in this photo... or things I do not like about myself. 

I was tormented as a kid about my looks.  Being called ugly everyday for two years of your life takes its toll.. I didn't look like everyone else. I didn't have the big poofy hair, the round eyes, the small lips... I felt like a freak.  I was too skinny... I was an ugly kid...

see I was about 9 here..when I was a kid my deepest wish was that all the pretty girls would grow up and get fat and ugly and all the ugly girls would be pretty...  yeah I was in 4H this is my show cow Heifer..even when she was a cow she still hated me.  She was a mean ole' Heifer.  

I don't think I'm "pretty" in the traditional sense...I do not believe I'm ugly, ugly...but sometimes I feel like I'll never fit in....   

Sometimes I think I look nice.... I don't hate how I look anymore, I've come a long way in accepting myself...  I used to believe people stared at me constantly because I was so ugly..they couldn't look away from me because I was ugly. I hated talking to people, because all I felt is that they were thinking about how ugly I was.... 

Sometimes I wish that I could get up in the morning and not care..not care how I looked, not care if I felt confident enough to walk outside.  Now I can go outside and go run without makeup, I can leavce the house without it....that has taken some confidence....  Yeah I have issues, but you do too. I'm not blaming feminism...I blame bullies for my sense of self...I don't blame society for making women evolve how they are... I blame those girls who sat aroundand picked at me until they crushed me.. I blame the moment I don't feel attractive enough in my marriage... it is still a struggle.   

Exhaustion.... 

We are having a 50th Anniversary party for my parents Saturday... doubtful many guests will come, but deep cleaning is exhausting.  

I'm not great at housekeeping, in fact I downright hate it.   Nothing makes me cringe more than steam cleaning a carpet or wiping down the walls.  In fact thats why I value my education.  I started out this year with intentions to prove myself as a housewife.  I think I've failed, besides being able to prove we can live on one income, the house will never be perfect.  Right now my little sister is steam cleaning the rug while I'm taking  my very late night break for a fourth or fifth wind... we went shopping today for party supplies and cookout goodies... of course we would be cooking out this weekend anyways as it is Memorial Day.  

But a 50th Anniversary is special. I don't know if its special because I'm lucky enough to see both my parents' alive for it.  They love each other, I know this, but they never say it.  I've never seen them hug or kiss (God Forbid) or any sign of physical affection (that might mean they <gasp> like each other!)... SO, it will be interesting.  Why is it at my house; knowing how much having people over tears at my insecurities... well, its next door and my Dad doesn't do celebrations, funerals, graduations or any sort of events.....  so yes....  he won't be going anywhere unless its next door.   

My Sister and I say we should have a 'Thanks for Tolerating Each other for 50 years" party.  I found some 50th Anniversary gifts, but most seemed to ooze sappiness and 50 years of adoring love, well that just isnt' the case. 

 

Oh and insecurities is knowing some of the guests are the ones who have the obsessive compulsive house keeping and home decor bug,  who undoubtedly can look down their noses at myself...  

Of course I can remind myself that academically my explorations have been incredible these last few years -  things that not everyone will ever experience... so, I'm good. 

I wish I was more devoted to my house... but I'm always distracted...something draws my attention away.....  In my head, in my world, outside in the trees, in the pasture, in a book, in my photography, but not on the boring, repetitive mundane tasks to create this spotless environment... 

No, Martha Stewart...I am not.  Food Network cooking diva, I am not.   Would I like to be better at this, yes...do I take the time and effort, on a consistent basis...well, I don't.  Those goals don't drive me....  spotless... it will never be.    

 

Pig Pen comes to mind sometimes... I guess I just can't care enough to focus on this....  

Song of the Day: Russian LSD by Fiction Plane

This SONG is awesome.... I really,really like it. The lyrics are, great they almost remind me of this whole post-modern, Dahli type surrealism... I like surrealism, because occasionally realism sucks. It almost reminds me of the poetry of T.S. Eliot...  The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock.  Anyways, thats my thoughts....  how can you have deep thoughts when you're listening to TLC in the background.....  This is not available on iTunes in the USA... my British friend sent me a copy.    

 

Running and Rand

I think when I run.  Today I realized that I hadn't written about reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, which is a pretty big accomplishment, 1200 pages steeped in the history of the Soviet Union and a dystopic view of the future and the path society seems to be but should not take.   But, the book isn't totally dystopic it is a book of hope, or was for the people of the Soviet Union.  I didn't realize that Ayn Rand was Russian.  I didn't read the forward, because I rarely do..when I read I dive into the novel and to hell with whatever interesting background tidbits the author wants to share.   I jokingly said " why would anyone not in the 19th century would write a book like Atlas Shrugged." But, later found out that Rand was, indeed Russian. 

Perhaps not as readable as Tolstoy, some of the characters lack the depth.  There is passion but the love stories seem a little unrealistic (but hey I like them)  Dagny loves three men and ultimately the most powerful man in the world.  The one who can stop the motor.   It was a fascinating look at the worst parts of our society. Had I sat with a highlighter while I read (I was fighting of muscle cramps from holding it open)..I would have marked it thoroughly.   It is a book where you watch the "winners" in society slowly be drug down in the ditch and broken down by the jealous government and the mentality of looters..looting the successful taking what is theirs that they achieved through their abilities and making it everyones. 

In 2010 I see a  mentality jealousy, class warfare that is saddening, the haves and the have nots (yet the have nots have it better than any other generation).  I suppose it is human nature to envy those who have more.  It is human nature to want more than others.   We can not escape the nature of the beast.   We are only what are genetics allow us to be.    We are limited by our mental acuity, our IQ and our God given gifts and talents.  I realize not everyone is equal, but sometimes a genius has fewer people skills than someone who is mentally retarded, we all have our good points.   

What I love about Rand is she glorifies the Individual.  She's Atheistic.  I am not.  I believe in a higher power but I also believe in Reincarnation.   I believe in Carl Jungs theory of Synchronicity, I believe in mysticism and the other realm of being.  I am more of a deist, but I believe in the power of the Individual.  I do not believe in collective salvation.  I do not feel I am responsible for those in society who do not care to life them self above their situations.  I can feel sympathy and do.  But I do not feel that it is my plight.  I am a believer in the American spirit.   

Part of some of my major issues with the health care legislation is we have opened a whole new can of worms for societal legislation on food.  Prior to the health care act we were listening to the pundits constantly preaching about the "Obesity Crises" and there are probably 50 television shows about dieting.  I see so much of our societal problems as a crises of the individual.  Not a crises of obesity, healthcare...it is a problem of one.  The problem is you.  The problem is your motivation the problem is what you feel society owes you.   The world doesn't owe you,  nor do you owe the world.  You owe yourself.  

I digress back to running.  I have never been a fan of contact sports.  I am not a fan of "watching sports"  I wonder how much money our society spends watching sports.  Apparently they are so important that cities provide great tax breaks to these games.  That congress wastes my precious tax payer dollars to have hearings over sports.   Where I heard on the news last week a pundit saying the Government does have a vested interest in professional football... WTF I say.. WTF.   If the Government feels that they should have oversight into professional sports of course they feel they have the right to regulate me to death.   The government has a vested interest in protecting me from invaders from other countries, that is all. 

Running... is a sport for Individuals.   Women it seems, by observation and from friends are driven by peer pressure to exercise.  They have gyms for women only so men don't see them exercise (silly).  They have aerobics, Zumbaa, pole dancing or whatever....I know women who want to walk or run but won't do it alone.   Women, apparently travel in packs.   

I run because it makes me a better person.  I'm forever grateful to the person who introduced me to it.  I began because I wanted to lose weight because I wasn't happy with who I was.   I kept at it until it became a part of  me.  

I can sit around and make excuses for myself but when the clock rolls around to the time that I go run..I know that I must get up and get dressed and go out. I whine and complain if its cold.   I over dress...I pile on the fleece and a half a mile down the road in the ditch it goes.  

I was running tonight and a man with a broken down truck said to me "Its too cold to run."  Its never too cold to run.   Noting my shorts and leggings -  I didn't think it was cold enough.   Cold is water freezing in your bottle.   Cold is not 50 degrees.   But, I had a good run and was thinking about why it is nice being able to go alone, and not needing anyone to help you exercise.   

Running has changed my perceptions of what is normal.  To me a three mile run is a copout and I can do more.  To me...  if I don't get outside and get that sunshine I get depressed.  Today was the first day I went out in a week.  I find the anxiety creeps up on me and chokes me ... I get moody and restless but if I go run, I feel the calm as the endorphins rush in and create that rush.   

 I know so many in our society are chasing their own demons,  if the drug war in Mexico is any evidence many Americans are battling their acedia with illicit drugs, and many more are battling it with Alcohol, while there are those who chase religion and hopes of a better afterlife.   

People worship athletic figures,  people drive their children to exhaustion praying their little prodigy will be a great athlete.  Nothing annoys me more than seeing a 300 pound parent in the stands at a game screaming advice at their child about playing "the game." 

Personal responsibility, individualism..the desire to be a better me..thats why I run.   I don't ever want to be in a place where I need alcohol to cope, where I am driven to the dark edge of the abyss to my own personal insanity.  Running helps me cope with being me.   

This is one of my favorite songs..about the individual.  Freedom puts my faith in none of the above. 

 

The Secrets of the Crystal Crotch

According to Vajazzling.com   Vajazzling: The act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman's nether regions for aesthetic purposes. I ran across this  Great Blog About Vajazzling last night and was further creeped out.  Now, I hadn't thought of Vajazzling much lately, but I had heard of it, hadn't given it much thought.  I was folding laundry and halfway watching one of those "stupid people from New Jersey shows" a couple of weeks ago, and there was a little princess going on a first date and she had to go get "Vajazzled."  I, not being the type to let any stranger with a jar of wax come near my unmentionable region -was a little floored that this is a topic on television, much less that people in any great amount of numbers are doing it.  There must be some cultural obsession among certain circles of ladies about having your hair done, and not the hair on your head.   

 Personally, the thought of a manicurist touching my hands creeps me out, so you know that I would never consider the secret pleasures that await from having my unmentionables glammed up like a bejeweled handbag from 1976.  

Part of me is laughing at these women, who not only will go pay money to have strangers pour hot wax on their private area and strip it off, but then to know they are following it up with crystals slathered in glue.  I hate to be a country hick but it doesn't interest me whatsoever.   *It sounds itchy too.  

In a way this obsession with hairlessness seems childish, and creepy.  It almost has the feel of wanting to look like a child.  It is disturbing.   Not that I'm on the pro-granola crunching team of women saying don't shave your pits  or legs, not at all.  I just feel that women in our society are under so much pressure to be pretty that we have taken it to a whole new level.  What will they find to do next.  

What will culture find to market to women next?  There is already a select group that only feel that they can be happy from carrying around $500 purses and driving the best cars.  Television networks have show after show devoted to telling women they aren't good enough.  Look at the "keeping up with the Joneses" attitudes on the "Real Housewives" shows.  We have shows telling women they are too fat and must lose weight to be pretty.  There are shows about fashion and how not to dress.  So much time, money and energy promoted to  help women tear each other down or making each other look ridiculous .  We are our own worst enemy.  It doesn't help that we also have the "Frenemy" atmosphere.  

I am not sure what this new "trend" says about the males in our society, or whether they like or dislike shiny sparklies glued on their ladies,  I would guess to say they probably don't care as long as they have access to it.  So ladies, if you want to create a new industry of crotch decorators (hey in this economy maybe it IS a good thing) go ahead.  But just maybe you should just take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself is it really that important to look like a discoball down below?  

You probably know more about me than you'd like to know now, especially about the fact that the only thing that sparkles on me is my diamond rings.   So ladies, just say no to the crystal crotch (or at least keep it a secret, I've already found too many pictures on the web).  I hate to tell you this but its not pretty.  Sorry.