Just Another Day With Me

So.

I wasn't happy that the guns came home.  Not after what happened last month. It worries me. 

I don't mind the rifles...I don't like the handgun here.   

But I was happy to see you outside and active this weekend, I was happy to see you up playing the xbox .  I was happy that you went to the game and shopping today.  

So... that is my update.  

 

"So she wrote it in a letter all the things she couldn't say......." 

What I DON'T Like.

I don't like when you come home in a good mood and in a matter of 30 seconds you go from happy to ANGRY.  

WHY SHOULD I be apologetic because you got pissed off over something so FUCKING STUPID it doesn't MATTER. 

I'm GLAD I didn't tell you I'm writing on this blog again. SO WHENVER THE FUCK you FIND IT you KNOW IT was in the PAST and doesnt' MATTER NOW. 

THEN you get mad in the matter of a MINUTE and expect me to feel sorry for you.  But I'm SO UPSET I'm SHAKING - SHAKING FOR THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES and UPSET the NEXT MORNING. 

 

THEN you say "YOU DON'T MATTER" and "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU"   

 

THATS BULLSHIT.    BUT don't fucking throw shit at the walls and yell at me or the kids or go from HAPPY to FUCKING FREAKING out in a matter of a MINUTE. OVER SOMETHING THAT is something STUPID the kids do but it doesn't fucking matter in the big scheme of things. 

 

I DONT LIKE BEING NERVOUS to when you'll go from HAPPY to ANGRY in the matter of a MINUTE.    AND NOW I DONT WANT TO TALK AGAIN.  BECAUSE in ONE minute OVER A TOOTHBRUSH you lost that trust again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

I Appreciate

When my Hub does things around the house. Today he went to town got stuff to work on the water (almost) emptied the trash barrels and covered the window that was letting in cold air.   I appreciate little things like that more than he understands I think.  Especially when they are done without me asking.  Just like I appreciated when he suggested - not me- that we go away for our anniversary I don't think he's ever done that before and it meant the world to me that he wanted to go on a trip just to go -even-though he's on the road all the time.  

Jealousy...

So, I haven't seen that "demon" in a while.   I was jealous this weekend.   Hub and I went for our 15th Anniversary trip to Galveston.  He ended up getting a load to south of Corpus Christie which paid pretty well so I followed him down in the car and we explored North Padre for a while - it was beautiful, stopped for a very upscale burger and made our way to Houston.  Friday was wonderful, beautiful weather...but Saturday the "cold front" arrived.  We woke up to cool temps below 60 and in Galveston that must be equal to a Nebraska 20 degree morning.   

I was tired...  Hub went on his way to go fishing with his Step Mom (long lost step mom but she's still great).  I was fine with this. Normally I am fine with this.  But by 11 I got out of the motel it was cold and I was unhappy that I was alone.   I was jealous that he was off fishing and I was by myself.  Now, after spending a couple of years being fine with not having my husband around... being jealous is not my normal emotion, so the fact that I'm beginning to feel more jealous and possessive again is good.   Its taken awhile. Yes, I realize that rationally I had nothing to be jealous of.   But, it was cold and not a "fun" day at all.  I really was tired.  So I drove out to meet him in Texas City on the ...dike where they were fishing.  It was still cold and windy but I found them.  

Despite the fact that I knew he wanted to go fishing and it was cold and miserable I still wanted to be with him,  and craved that togetherness more and more lately.  

I suppose it didn't help that the furnace wouldn't light and its two weeks before Thanksgiving and we were on vacation doing things that we didn't have to be doing. We went for lunch then to the aquarium in Galveston which was really neat.

I think the holidays have made me worried about not working when I know everything will be fine and will work out, I can't help but worry and I've been doing it pretty much constantly - well most of the fall because I've been worried about heating the home and Christmas.  Then the hot water heater hasn't been working right and the furnace not lighting was just one thing too much, not to mention the heater fan on my car not working right.  Just too many little things... and car insurance and car tag.  Lets get to December.  Then having that variable income makes me worry too.  Just so much to worry about. But it was a nice trip!  We spent the afternoon at the aquarium then caught the sunset on the beach.   I hate that the weather turned cold, kind of disappointing.  

Ouch

So, I cleaned out my closet today. I woke up with a pinched nerve in my back right between my shoulder blades.  It didn't go away all day. I spent the whole afternoon and evening moving stuff around including a big cabinet that was in my closet (by myself) can't turn my head to the right now, my back is not happy with me.  

So this is what happens when you get old?  I didn't go run today but I've went for five days in a row and figure I'll rest today and perhaps tomorrow if I can turn my head.  

So, I found out that I do, indeed have a floor in my closet, I was skeptical. I cleaned out at least seven years worth of old shoes.  I do not need 50+ pairs of shoes.  I thinned my closet mildly (I do have a beautiful wardrobe).    I have been putting it off, but it was getting to be where I couldn't even get in the closet and I wanted it cleaned out so I could pack and prepare for the Galveston Beach trip next week. YAY!  Two days on the beach...sounds pretty nice to me.   As long as its not raining... and I can get good pictures of sunrise/sunsets... I won't complain.   Plus we have a hotel on the beach - which sounds very romantic, I'm excited.  15th anniversary should be nice and after the way year number 12-14 went I'm ready for a good one.   

Playing With Fire

My Husband is hot....  um, well he's playing with fire anyways.   This summer at Foss Lake 

Honeymoon?

We never had a honeymoon..and we honestly have never went away for our anniversary.  We never went away just to get away...just the two of us, unless it was doing something for someone else in the family. Or else it was business.  I love traveling..and he does it for a living.  

So 15 years later.  I think it is time for us to go somewhere together.   Looking forward to it.   I got this picture in Galveston in June, my sister and I stayed at a hotel on the beach and then went to see Sting.  That was one of the best days of my life...it was magical from sunup till sundown.   Incredible day.   

Halloween....

It was Halloween.  I think around this time a year ago.  I was at a cross roads.  A year ago today I wanted to get my head straight. I wanted either in or out of my marriage. I could see and knew how hard my husband was trying.  He was doing anything for me.  But, my heart wasn't in it.  I knew I loved him but I also knew that it wasn't right for me then. I knew that him trying so hard and me wanting to be left alone so badly was not right for him or I. I knew that I wasn't feeling as passionate towards him as I should.  I knew a year ago today that I just could not take mixed feelings anymore.  They made me crazy.  I was making myself crazy.   I knew I felt horrible for receiving all of his love and affection and me... feeling so torn.  

Look its me a year ago today.....  I didn't look unhappy did I? Its funny... I can wear the mask well and cover emotions....   

Halloween... 2007, I was called into the Office...  and found myself met with two principals and the Special Ed director.  I was written up - I was the bad teacher of choice.   The year before I could do no wrong..but I got a bad class.   October 07 I lost someone I cared about to Suicide.  

I do regret 2008-2010.  I regret the hurt I caused.  I felt suffocated and trapped... I think part of my running began with a fight or flight feelings... I ran to get away....  and have room to breathe and think.  I ran to have time to cry when I was by myself.   I ran to make myself not feel hurt.   

So much of what I wanted lay with my desire to be desired and loved for who I am, despite my flaws. Part of my desire was not even to be loved but to be able to be myself.   Part of my desire was I felt because we were so different in so many ways that I would never satisfy what he wanted.

I think 2009 was such a strange year... because I went from being in a situation of feeling utterly rejected and being told that I had to learn to manage money to save our marriage when money was never the issue for me... to feeling like I didn't matter... to the reverse, to feeling watched and suffocated and a possession.  I never want to feel like that again.

 I never want to feel as lonely and rejected as I have in the last year, but I'm too independent to feel suffocated. I wanted to be left alone to think.  I don't think I will be sleeping tonight.   And I can't talk about these things as easily as I can write them down..I will sit and feel at a loss for words....  I might write all night.... tonight.   Poor Husband to read this... 

So Restless Indeed.....

"She's moody, she's grey, she's mean and she's restless... so restless, so restless indeed. " ~Arcadia Election Day - Arcadia is Duran Duran by the way.... 

 

I love this line from this song.   I am so much better than I was last year.  I really am. I think, it bothers me because it is so close to Halloween and November.  It bothered me today.  I have been kind of up and down today with my feelings and my thoughts.   

2007 I decided I hated Halloween.. I have decided that I wish I could go back and redo 2009 totally.   2008 was not the best of years.  What is odd as much as I look back and remember that I wasn't happy I accomplished some of the most amazing things I've ever experienced in 2008 and 9, with the seminars I attended, and the Half Marathon.   So, I imagine that as time goes on those really are the events that I remember in my life as the bad things fade away.  And the better it gets at home, the easier it is to forget the bad, and the incredibly painful and stupid.   

I'm finding that as much as I'm not stressed somedays I just am sick of this house sick of the monotony of cleaning (just as I never have been a huge fan of housework).  I'm jealous that my Husband gets to go to all of these places (despite being in a truck that he can't stop on the interstate and flying all the time)... I just want to get out and go, but then I also feel like I'm so tied down with children, especially with a teenage daughter who is active in just about every activity she can find (minus sports), so I'm constantly (and I mean constantly - running around her schedule) so I don't even feel like I've truly had a week.  But then I think about how incredibly stressed I'd be if I were working and trying to shuffle her around.   

Sometimes I feel like I waste a lot of time online, (and I do), I'm not running enough or reading enough.... I hold myself to such a schedule that I feel like I'm aimlessly doing nothing but have great desires to do something.    And then there is sleep.... sometimes I feel like I can't sleep enough..and know I'm sleeping too much.   

Oh, well I'm going to bed now.  I'm really glad though out of everything as much as occasionally I'll have sad feelings or just feel like I messed up so bad on so  many levels I know that I'm glad that everything is good at home again. 

I did see a former student tonight and she was SO HAPPY to see me, It almost brought me to tears, because she likes me SO much and she was one of my favorite kids, and had been in my class for three years, and I was just torn and felt guilty for leaving my job.  Then I think about money and how nice it would be this fall and feel bad about putting all stress to earn a living on one person.   

But, I'm tired ... Goodnight. 

Me. Today.

So, I've been thinking about me a year ago.  Me.  Not my husband.  Not anyone else.  Me.   It is all about me.  My Sister In Law once sent me a snarky email telling me that she didn't like me and it wasn't all about me (I beg to differ).   It was a nice out of the blue email.  I still have it saved. It was like six years ago.   It was one of those I don't like you email and you should know this and get along for "our families sake" when she was the one who always ignored me.   Wow, I don't know where that came from... it just kind of flowed out of my keyboard and onto the page.   

photo of ME... Today...  I like it.  

So back to the most important topic.  Me (after all my blog is about me). I just wrote about me a year ago.   Well, the "Me" from a year ago is a different "Me" from today.  I have been thinking, about me a year ago and Me today.  Today...I feel a little lost, not teaching, but I don't feel anywhere near the stress that I have had.  I'm content in comparison.  I've been wanting to go back to grad school, but right now I'm pretty happy at home. I feel a little TOO lazy though, but I'm still busy.  I'm home when the kids need me.  I'm home when my husband is home, I can take care of bills and manage money and manage the house much better than I did before.  I'm not a perfect housekeeper but I'm improving - I still feel that its  the redundancy of the cleaning tasks that get me.   

Resolving a ghost of 17 years ago honestly was probably the best thing for my marriage..It was hell at the time, but probably something that needed to happen a very long time ago.  I think had it happened then I would have still been with my husband...but being 18 and insecure and afraid going into a marriage pregnant, was something that I don't think any 18 year old is ready for. I can really see how young I was then, looking at my 14 year old daughter.  23 seems awful young too.  Hub and I have grown up together - really... and now I realize know each other so much better sometimes than I thought.  Its funny..me being home, we do talk to each other a lot.  I've noticed this especially when he's in Canada.  I noticed it when we were "split up"  that we really didn't go a day without communicating. 

 

Confidence.  I finally feel confident.  Maybe...  because I discovered last year that I could wrap another man around my fingers - sight unseen.   Maybe because I never had those experiences when I was young .  Maybe, its bad to write that down and say that... but, I certainly do not feel, as insecure and unsure of myself as I used to.  Its funny I don't want another "man" I know that I could have any number of "other men" if I chose.  But, I'm happy with who I am with, and its a very good feeling. It IS good to feel confident.  I felt like the last few years my confidence had been torn down so much... If I could undo anything my husband said to me which would have changed things, my behavior is I wish he would have never told me he wasn't attracted to me.... that was probably the hardest thing for me to deal with because our marriage was always based on such an incredibly strong, electric physical attraction...  that it hurt me the most.  I could take being told anything else, I know my strengths -passions and weaknesses.... But that was when I was determined to prove myself...  as attractive. 

I finally feel. Secure. Happy. Attractive again.  I was thinking this morning of the impact that my photography page has had on my confidence, the impact that my running has done on my confidence.  I know that I can look at my body and feel pride..  because I can look at my legs which are muscled and instead of seeing cellulite, I see hard work, I see my dedication to running in a physical form and that is me.  

I was worried that quitting my job would build resentment between my husband and myself...that we would be struggling with money and money has been such a source of contention between us in our marriage.  But, we haven't been broke since I quit.  I have not felt deprived. I have felt more in control and able to handle everything.  Because I have time.  I DO worry about money more and feel like I should be doing more. But it didn't turn out like I feared that it might.   

So, I know I've said a lot and I don't have a lot of people reading this blog now, but I wanted to say that me today, is so much better than me a year ago.   Now, If I could quit staying up until 3 am. I'm really off of my schedule, but I've always really hated early mornings....  so maybe this is my natural schedule.   I just would prefer going to bed at midnight and getting up at 9 or 10.   

So, goodnight Moon...  My Husband is snoring but he's home and tomorrow we get a day off together.