Just Another Day With Me

A Dedication

Is it possible to make one of the most positive experiences in your life... one of the most scarring and damaging?  I did.  I had the most positive changes come from within me from this five week experience, amazing things... so much of my accomplishments come from the people I met during this experiences...and the most destructive human force come into my life...  

A Dedication to a Former Friend

Treat people like you want to be treated..  

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.  ~Eckhart Tolle


Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.  ~Roger Ebert

No more...  This is in the past. It is over.  I'm glad my memories have faded to close to nothing of you and I'm left with the words that were exchanged over a computer.  The physical memory gone, the memory of a voice is nearly gone... so it should be easier to move on with my life now.   

Baggage Claim...

I'm kicking my "Sweet Little Habit"  -  Sometimes you just can't be friends -  no more of that emotional baggage...  Sometimes you feel too much for someone who cares too little and you gotta let go.  

 

http://youtu.be/1M7pCS6Jpho

This Week

A week ago we had  a great day.

Wednesday night it all fell apart.

Thursday was hell.

Friday was hell. 

Saturday was recovery 

and today I'm battling that anxiety... beacuse I don't like going through this. I don't like feeling this way anyways. I'm so tired -  I can't fight anything because all Iwant is peace and thats all I've wanted. I want acceptance from everyone for who I am... I don't want jealousy.  I don't need craziness....  I just want acceptance.  I can't be who everyone wants me to be. 

But I will stand up for those who I believe in.  Even if they are at odds sometimes, because that I who I am...   I'm sorry.   I can't give up friends who are meaningful to me and shouldn't be required to...   because not everyone can give us what we need but if we have enough people who help do so we can at least begin to feel whole.   Understanding and peace...  

But I can't keep standing up for friends either....  I'm tired of fighting that fight. I can't keep losing trust of everyone I know because they don't believe in me or have trust in me....

 

I can't fight. I can't stay mad... either.   I'm too tired to continue this. I really am.  I'm going to fade away if I have to keep going through this.   I'm too tired....  Its killing me.   

 

 

What does it do?

I often get very enthusiastic reactions to my photography...and I wonder...  because it seems to come so naturally to me.  What is it.  I mean everyone has a camera.  What do I "see" that they don't  see.  Anyone can do this...its not like Algebra or drawing a picture with my hands.  I'm using technology to create a vision.  I'm constantly observing things though. I look at everything as a potential composition.  I look for details, the little things.   What is it that makes an artist... I don't quite get it. I know I can take a shot that I feel is blah and make something worth looking at....  but, I don't quite get "photography" its still such a novelty for me... I love the feedback I get, it feeds my ego....  but I don't get it...  anyone could or can do it, yet the more photography I look at the more I realize that not everyone can do quite what I do...  perhaps that is why it is art. I always felt photography was more of a science and you just needed equipment to be a photographer, nothing special...  but, it is special isn't it.   If its your passion. 

I Wonder...

Why would anyone love "me" enough...  to think they couldn't live without me.  I can see a million things that I hate about myself. A million things that I want to change. A million things that make me unworthy of anyone loving me to that degree.  

I'm selfish

I'm arrogant

I'm cold (sometimes)

I'm vain 

I'm insecure

I judge others 

I'm not as generous as I could be

I'm not a helicopter parent

I'm not involved 

I disconnect

I'm secretive and value my privacy...........  

I'm open... 

Sometimes I don't answer calls because people exhaust me

I like my own company more than others 

I'm narcissistic 

I'm too driven by goals... 

I'm too obsessive 

I hate that I'm obsessive 

My mind cycles through thoughts, My mind loops through thoughts I can't stop it, it bothers me. 

I can't watch a television show, why would anyone want to be with someone who can't focus 

Photography consumes me - more than anything.  

I hate cleaning, its repetitive, I can't do it, like normal people do. I wish I obsessed over having shining floors. I wish I built my self esteem based on my home decor. I wish I built myself over that... 

I wish I wanted a simple life....  SIMPLE....  I wish my emotions were simple..I wish I didn't believe in so much. I wish I didn't believe in fate, Karma and that everything happens for a reason.... 

Sometimes I crave intellectual conversation that comes off as arrogant to others, I like philosophy, well written literature and fine art.... because its beautiful... because its powerful because I can see what "great' people did. People who are remembered.   People who make an impact five hundred years later.  

I love history...I love knowing that people who came before me were the same... yet they made an impact on who I am....   

 

Why would anyone love me....  to to the extent that without me, they wouldn't want to live... thats stupid...  because I'm not wonderful..

 

Why would anyone not see the wonder within themselve s and the world and not want to be here to see so many things happen... 

 

If I died today..... If I wrecked my car...and was gone forever..I would still be a spirit....  I wouldn't be gone....   but the people I left behind would have to wake up and see the beautiful blue sky, or the rain and the clouds and go on....  I would soon be a memory to be forgotten...  

 

Really nothing important...   

 

 

Inside

I went to see Sting in concert this week in Dallas. It was the sixth show that I've been to.  Three Police shows and three Sting concerts.  He's by far my favorite. An influence in my life since childhood.  His music, lyrics and sophistication have fueled my desire for knowledge.  I love the strength and soothing tones of his voice.   He performed this song "Inside" which I thought was great...

Inside by Sting

I have always loved this song. I never understood it until he explained it.... he said this song is about how love can heal you, or it can destroy you.  I can see how love can destroy a person.  I can see its power, its fury, its force... the thought of not having someone you love or being hurt by those your love or its healing power.....  

This song...has been a favorite for nearly a decade... and I could feel its strength..but I could never quite understand its meaning.... 

Love is annihilation

Radiate me, subjugate me, incubate me, recreate me, demarcate me, educate me, punctuate me, evaluate me, conjugate me, impregnate me, designate me, humiliate me, segregate me, opiate me, calibrate me, replicate me

 

Still Procrastinating...

I am struggling with this assignment for Monday. Its boring.  I can see why high school kids disconnect from learning something that doesn't interest them at all. I'm there. I can't focus.  I am disconnected.   

I like to disconnect sometimes.......   to not let you into my head. You reading this. I haven't let you into this blog in months.  

I could sit and write profound things about the knowledge I am gleaning from Graduate school.  From the wisdom the academy is imparting upon my receptive little neurons... but, here I am sitting about thinking about soaking in a hot bath and reading a very dry article.  Very dry.  

Boring...  but maybe with a hot bath it will lose its boredom.  Maybe...  Nothing can cure what ills you like a hot bath.   And maybe.....   just maybe... the ability to focus, that would help me.  Its midnight already...  

 

Its Been Awhile...

I haven't written on this blog since June. I used to write on it everyday.  I seem to be tweeting.  But, I think I lose out on that.  I can't go back and see how I was feeling a year later or two years later by tweeting.  I can't look back and see if I was in the same place or a diffeerent place.  Yes, I blog. I have my Expedition page where I put plenty of photos all the time, but that isn't really me.  Twitter is me, but probably a more outgoing form of myself that I wish I was like all the time.   

So its been a while.  I am in my first Semester of Graduate school and I enjoy it. I like the pressure and the expectations although it terrifies me because I want this degree so bad and sometimes I think I'm too ADHD to complete it.  

I'm now trying to start to get more photography work, because I am a photographer now.  I can say it -  with a little more confidence.   I haven't been running this fall. I am slipping into the guilt from not running - weight gain that I notice and exhaustion due to asthma.  But, I'm driving 120 miles a day four days a week andits exhausting in itself.   I dont' "feel" good about myself physically.  I keep thinking I need to diet.   I can't stay on top of the house or laundry and I'm so tired.  

My husband and I filed for Divorce this fall.   But, we're going to counseling now.  And are going to make it work. I was so skeptical that counseling would be anything BUT crap. I didn't believe that anything could help but I was desperate to see what could help... and I am surpised that not only is it helping but after last week I feel like it is really helping. 

Its hard when you love someone...and you know you do.  But you don't think they are happy. Its harder when you love someone and your heart and emotions can get messed up and you desire something you've never experienced...  even if you know that most of the time what you have is good...  but those passionate crazy moments....   make you crave peace at all costs.   Sometimes to the cost of not expressing yourself.   

I'm writing this.  Because that I actually feel  hope for my marriage and its been a while since I felt that.  

But I also realize that last November I felt content for once....  and I want to feel that way again.  I had a peaceful Saturday. I need more.  

Bad Day

Had a bad day.  I am moody and my asthma is always worse with bad air quality days. Which is something very real, I used to wonder why the newscasters made a big deal about them, but then I began experiencing how horrible I felt on days where the air is horrible...  I am also not running this summer with temps nearing 110 every day it has been one miserable summer. Not running affects my attitude and my anxiety. Unless you get anxiety you don't understand it.  Sometimes this song... is the one I relate to.  Look at me I'm made of wonderful..

"Wait I think I feel like hell...though I can't be myself........." To live in a life where you are torn between never feeling good enough no matter what you can do or accomplish and to always have self doubt even if you can accomplish goals or do wonderful things in your life is to forever be in doubt.   Doubt that I can't always escape.  I'm going to graduate school this fall.  I am hoping that I do a good job, but I've been out of school so long, its a risk and a gamble.   I'm also stepping away from History and English and studying something different..so more worries whether I will be able to do it.   

 

In some ways I really miss my teaching paycheck right now, I dont' feel like I do my part, I dont' feel independent anymore. I feel needy and dependent yet I don't want to be a housewife, because I'm not good at it, its affecting how I feel about myself. And I'm going back to school. To accomplish a huge goal I wanted to accomplish since my kids were babies... I want my Master's degree. I want my PhD, I want to prove myself academically- I really need to focus on my writing skills.  Whether it be through blogging.  I certainly need to "social network" way less - but it is also getting me photography contacts.   

I've shot some photography recently - a wedding and engagements and next weekend family photos! How can I go from nothing to booked in a week! Its INSANE.  It kind of blows my mind that people actually want to pay ME to take their pictures its, a HUGE compliment, especially when they hand you the money for doing something you LOVE.... its very nice. 

I'm emotional today... tears,  I can't help how I am sometimes I dont' want to be. I can't express my emotions when I talk, all I can do is write about them....   Some things I cant say at all.  I hate saying anything that might hurt someones feelings- but I also hate feeling like I can't say anything when it affects me. 

Sometimes I don't feel wanted.   My husband has called Rob Thomas my "depressed music" maybe he's right, but the songs are comforting, and not always depressing, they are just filled with emotion, sometimes stated the right way for me.   

I know not eating right affects my moods, I also know not having a schedule set probably isn't good and not knowing enough people... I think I'm lonely not online! I have tons of connections online but for real friends, real "girl friends" to go out with sometimes... I think I need to be more aware of my body and asthma.

Sometimes I dont' even realize when my asthma is so bad I want to sleep all day. I got to walmart today and felt disoriented and dizzy and couldn't remember why I was there,  and then had a real asthma attack, where I really needed my medicine.  And I didn't have it and had to drive home in the heat...I really need to think about it. I know I need to keep it.  When I hurt my leg last month I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe...   I need to keep my inhalers close by.  I think its important.   

Ugly

I don't feel good about myself..I feel old... used up. Older... tired. Not attractive.  Today I feel especially ugly. I spent my life battling these feelings about myself... I'm 34 years old. I'm not getting younger.  I'm in the prime years of insecurity.   I still feel ugly...  I don't feel as bad about myself as I used to... but... its still a struggle... everyday...  to look in the mirror. I can pick apart 1000 imperfections in this photo... or things I do not like about myself. 

I was tormented as a kid about my looks.  Being called ugly everyday for two years of your life takes its toll.. I didn't look like everyone else. I didn't have the big poofy hair, the round eyes, the small lips... I felt like a freak.  I was too skinny... I was an ugly kid...

see I was about 9 here..when I was a kid my deepest wish was that all the pretty girls would grow up and get fat and ugly and all the ugly girls would be pretty...  yeah I was in 4H this is my show cow Heifer..even when she was a cow she still hated me.  She was a mean ole' Heifer.  

I don't think I'm "pretty" in the traditional sense...I do not believe I'm ugly, ugly...but sometimes I feel like I'll never fit in....   

Sometimes I think I look nice.... I don't hate how I look anymore, I've come a long way in accepting myself...  I used to believe people stared at me constantly because I was so ugly..they couldn't look away from me because I was ugly. I hated talking to people, because all I felt is that they were thinking about how ugly I was.... 

Sometimes I wish that I could get up in the morning and not care..not care how I looked, not care if I felt confident enough to walk outside.  Now I can go outside and go run without makeup, I can leavce the house without it....that has taken some confidence....  Yeah I have issues, but you do too. I'm not blaming feminism...I blame bullies for my sense of self...I don't blame society for making women evolve how they are... I blame those girls who sat aroundand picked at me until they crushed me.. I blame the moment I don't feel attractive enough in my marriage... it is still a struggle.