Just Another Day With Me

200

For anyone who doesn't care, I just reached level 200 in Mafia Wars.   Now, I will sit here proudly and gloat in my great accomplishment.   I wonder how many hours of wasted time that represents?  

Now, I'm going to bed to listen to my iPod and read... I am nearing the end of "Giants in the Earth" by Rolvaag, what I thought would be a saga of the Great Plains has turned into a journey of a woman's depression (and personal hell)  in a long, bleak winter.  Sadly, I can relate.   But, its very good, I'm on page 300 (shocked I made it so far, I'm notorious for half-read books and half-watched movies).  I also began a book on language "The Stuff of Thought"  by Dr. Steven Pinker, about how language and your choice of words affect the brain and your surroundings... semantics you know... it also has a nice section on the relation of cursing on the brain... Damn....  and it talks about what is said, and what is not said, the diplomacy of communication; which I lack at times.   

Goodnight Moon, Goodnight World....  I hope Monday is a good one! 

Uneasy

I feel, uneasy.  I just finished reading "The Lovely Bones" which is a story told from the perspective of a 14 year old girl who was raped and murdered.  Disturbing, it was a "lovely" well written book.  Not typically the genre I read at all.  Certainly not the type I will seek out in the future.  I was physically ill last night reading the first two chapters but, I continued to be drawn into the story.  I sat and read the rest of it this evening, to finish it and be done with it.   I didn't like it.   I liked it, in how it was written- but I was repelled by it at the same time; watching this family deal with this tragedy. 

I didn't feel great when I left work today, it seems I still have a cold.  The fever returned, and I needed cold medicine.  I just feel uneasy and anxious this evening.  I think its the book.  I hope it is the book.  Its Tuesday again.  Last Tuesday, N'Keigh's 31st birthday, I suppose is one I'll never forget.  Imprinted forever on my mind.   Its December,  I'm ready for 2009 to be over. 

The book, well it was just disturbing.  Then I think, WHOA! I got into a conference that 400 people applied for, and got all excited and booked my flight, because the ticket was not too horribly expensive and then I realized that booking a flight, and getting on that airplane are two different things. I really want to overcome my fear of flying, but It seems that is something that is very difficult to do.  I'll try it again. 

After N'Keigh killed herself and after I found out about it.  My husband wasnt' home he was over the road driving truck. I was home with just me and the kids.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't sleep at all, I would put the TV on the religious channels, I'm not religious, I say,  but maybe I am.  I couldn't sleep.  I would watch this old little Catholic Nun, that was the only thing that soothed me to sleep.  I can't read about murders (I can watch that show "Snapped" for some reason) but I can't read about violence, I can watch action movies, and suspense are ok, but they disturb me.  I have trouble with that.   I think these kinds of stories make me a little more uneasy since N'Keigh's suicide.  I just can't understand it.  I mean, I can, I can understand where people are coming from when they are feeling like they don't matter enough to anyone to want to end their lives, I can see where the sadness comes from to make you feel like you don't matter... but that comes from you, not from others.  You have to move on and figure it out.  But, to put a gun to your head and realize that it means forever...how, or why?  Maybe I don't have enough faith in the otherside to want to do that, and want to see what I can do with my life.  Thats why my fear of flying is so frustrating, there are so many places I want to go and see.... that stepping on that airplane just unleashes all these fears of my mortality.  It terrifies me.   My luck, LOL I will, die in a car crash.  Because of my great love of road trips.   ha...

I can't understand why people kill each other?? I can't understand why so many people are fascinated with watching movies about people killing each other.  Or why people would want to spend their time writing a book about people killing children... or killilng anyone for that matter.  Disturbs me, some of these things that go on in other peoples heads.  That don't go on inside of mine.  Chilling. 

Thinking hard about a lot of things, still, just a very long year this has been.  Thinking yet unwilling to write.  Maybe I need to start another book.  I almost put that one down yesterday and didn't continue reading it.  Maybe that would have been wise. It made me feel weighted down...  It was too deep, too sad.  It didn't bring me happiness, made me feel empty and sick.  I hate feeling like this.  I shouldn't have read the book, not that , it wasn't a wonderful book, in how it was written.  It just wasn't the right book for me.