I haven't written on this blog since June. I used to write on it everyday. I seem to be tweeting. But, I think I lose out on that. I can't go back and see how I was feeling a year later or two years later by tweeting. I can't look back and see if I was in the same place or a diffeerent place. Yes, I blog. I have my Expedition page where I put plenty of photos all the time, but that isn't really me. Twitter is me, but probably a more outgoing form of myself that I wish I was like all the time.
So its been a while. I am in my first Semester of Graduate school and I enjoy it. I like the pressure and the expectations although it terrifies me because I want this degree so bad and sometimes I think I'm too ADHD to complete it.
I'm now trying to start to get more photography work, because I am a photographer now. I can say it - with a little more confidence. I haven't been running this fall. I am slipping into the guilt from not running - weight gain that I notice and exhaustion due to asthma. But, I'm driving 120 miles a day four days a week andits exhausting in itself. I dont' "feel" good about myself physically. I keep thinking I need to diet. I can't stay on top of the house or laundry and I'm so tired.
My husband and I filed for Divorce this fall. But, we're going to counseling now. And are going to make it work. I was so skeptical that counseling would be anything BUT crap. I didn't believe that anything could help but I was desperate to see what could help... and I am surpised that not only is it helping but after last week I feel like it is really helping.
Its hard when you love someone...and you know you do. But you don't think they are happy. Its harder when you love someone and your heart and emotions can get messed up and you desire something you've never experienced... even if you know that most of the time what you have is good... but those passionate crazy moments.... make you crave peace at all costs. Sometimes to the cost of not expressing yourself.
I'm writing this. Because that I actually feel hope for my marriage and its been a while since I felt that.
But I also realize that last November I felt content for once.... and I want to feel that way again. I had a peaceful Saturday. I need more.
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