Ugly

I don't feel good about myself..I feel old... used up. Older... tired. Not attractive.  Today I feel especially ugly. I spent my life battling these feelings about myself... I'm 34 years old. I'm not getting younger.  I'm in the prime years of insecurity.   I still feel ugly...  I don't feel as bad about myself as I used to... but... its still a struggle... everyday...  to look in the mirror. I can pick apart 1000 imperfections in this photo... or things I do not like about myself. 

I was tormented as a kid about my looks.  Being called ugly everyday for two years of your life takes its toll.. I didn't look like everyone else. I didn't have the big poofy hair, the round eyes, the small lips... I felt like a freak.  I was too skinny... I was an ugly kid...

see I was about 9 here..when I was a kid my deepest wish was that all the pretty girls would grow up and get fat and ugly and all the ugly girls would be pretty...  yeah I was in 4H this is my show cow Heifer..even when she was a cow she still hated me.  She was a mean ole' Heifer.  

I don't think I'm "pretty" in the traditional sense...I do not believe I'm ugly, ugly...but sometimes I feel like I'll never fit in....   

Sometimes I think I look nice.... I don't hate how I look anymore, I've come a long way in accepting myself...  I used to believe people stared at me constantly because I was so ugly..they couldn't look away from me because I was ugly. I hated talking to people, because all I felt is that they were thinking about how ugly I was.... 

Sometimes I wish that I could get up in the morning and not care..not care how I looked, not care if I felt confident enough to walk outside.  Now I can go outside and go run without makeup, I can leavce the house without it....that has taken some confidence....  Yeah I have issues, but you do too. I'm not blaming feminism...I blame bullies for my sense of self...I don't blame society for making women evolve how they are... I blame those girls who sat aroundand picked at me until they crushed me.. I blame the moment I don't feel attractive enough in my marriage... it is still a struggle.