Just Another Day With Me

Bad Day

Had a bad day.  I am moody and my asthma is always worse with bad air quality days. Which is something very real, I used to wonder why the newscasters made a big deal about them, but then I began experiencing how horrible I felt on days where the air is horrible...  I am also not running this summer with temps nearing 110 every day it has been one miserable summer. Not running affects my attitude and my anxiety. Unless you get anxiety you don't understand it.  Sometimes this song... is the one I relate to.  Look at me I'm made of wonderful..

"Wait I think I feel like hell...though I can't be myself........." To live in a life where you are torn between never feeling good enough no matter what you can do or accomplish and to always have self doubt even if you can accomplish goals or do wonderful things in your life is to forever be in doubt.   Doubt that I can't always escape.  I'm going to graduate school this fall.  I am hoping that I do a good job, but I've been out of school so long, its a risk and a gamble.   I'm also stepping away from History and English and studying something different..so more worries whether I will be able to do it.   

 

In some ways I really miss my teaching paycheck right now, I dont' feel like I do my part, I dont' feel independent anymore. I feel needy and dependent yet I don't want to be a housewife, because I'm not good at it, its affecting how I feel about myself. And I'm going back to school. To accomplish a huge goal I wanted to accomplish since my kids were babies... I want my Master's degree. I want my PhD, I want to prove myself academically- I really need to focus on my writing skills.  Whether it be through blogging.  I certainly need to "social network" way less - but it is also getting me photography contacts.   

I've shot some photography recently - a wedding and engagements and next weekend family photos! How can I go from nothing to booked in a week! Its INSANE.  It kind of blows my mind that people actually want to pay ME to take their pictures its, a HUGE compliment, especially when they hand you the money for doing something you LOVE.... its very nice. 

I'm emotional today... tears,  I can't help how I am sometimes I dont' want to be. I can't express my emotions when I talk, all I can do is write about them....   Some things I cant say at all.  I hate saying anything that might hurt someones feelings- but I also hate feeling like I can't say anything when it affects me. 

Sometimes I don't feel wanted.   My husband has called Rob Thomas my "depressed music" maybe he's right, but the songs are comforting, and not always depressing, they are just filled with emotion, sometimes stated the right way for me.   

I know not eating right affects my moods, I also know not having a schedule set probably isn't good and not knowing enough people... I think I'm lonely not online! I have tons of connections online but for real friends, real "girl friends" to go out with sometimes... I think I need to be more aware of my body and asthma.

Sometimes I dont' even realize when my asthma is so bad I want to sleep all day. I got to walmart today and felt disoriented and dizzy and couldn't remember why I was there,  and then had a real asthma attack, where I really needed my medicine.  And I didn't have it and had to drive home in the heat...I really need to think about it. I know I need to keep it.  When I hurt my leg last month I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe...   I need to keep my inhalers close by.  I think its important.   

Enrolled..

Today I enrolled in OU, I'm a "Sooner" I'm no longer a teacher, I am a graduate student again. I am not going to be a "stay at home Mom" next year. I appreciate this year greatly, I think I needed it, I just feel like I'm still busy but I'm still tired, I feel like I have a decade worth of tired.   

Ugly

I don't feel good about myself..I feel old... used up. Older... tired. Not attractive.  Today I feel especially ugly. I spent my life battling these feelings about myself... I'm 34 years old. I'm not getting younger.  I'm in the prime years of insecurity.   I still feel ugly...  I don't feel as bad about myself as I used to... but... its still a struggle... everyday...  to look in the mirror. I can pick apart 1000 imperfections in this photo... or things I do not like about myself. 

I was tormented as a kid about my looks.  Being called ugly everyday for two years of your life takes its toll.. I didn't look like everyone else. I didn't have the big poofy hair, the round eyes, the small lips... I felt like a freak.  I was too skinny... I was an ugly kid...

see I was about 9 here..when I was a kid my deepest wish was that all the pretty girls would grow up and get fat and ugly and all the ugly girls would be pretty...  yeah I was in 4H this is my show cow Heifer..even when she was a cow she still hated me.  She was a mean ole' Heifer.  

I don't think I'm "pretty" in the traditional sense...I do not believe I'm ugly, ugly...but sometimes I feel like I'll never fit in....   

Sometimes I think I look nice.... I don't hate how I look anymore, I've come a long way in accepting myself...  I used to believe people stared at me constantly because I was so ugly..they couldn't look away from me because I was ugly. I hated talking to people, because all I felt is that they were thinking about how ugly I was.... 

Sometimes I wish that I could get up in the morning and not care..not care how I looked, not care if I felt confident enough to walk outside.  Now I can go outside and go run without makeup, I can leavce the house without it....that has taken some confidence....  Yeah I have issues, but you do too. I'm not blaming feminism...I blame bullies for my sense of self...I don't blame society for making women evolve how they are... I blame those girls who sat aroundand picked at me until they crushed me.. I blame the moment I don't feel attractive enough in my marriage... it is still a struggle.