Exhaustion.... 

We are having a 50th Anniversary party for my parents Saturday... doubtful many guests will come, but deep cleaning is exhausting.  

I'm not great at housekeeping, in fact I downright hate it.   Nothing makes me cringe more than steam cleaning a carpet or wiping down the walls.  In fact thats why I value my education.  I started out this year with intentions to prove myself as a housewife.  I think I've failed, besides being able to prove we can live on one income, the house will never be perfect.  Right now my little sister is steam cleaning the rug while I'm taking  my very late night break for a fourth or fifth wind... we went shopping today for party supplies and cookout goodies... of course we would be cooking out this weekend anyways as it is Memorial Day.  

But a 50th Anniversary is special. I don't know if its special because I'm lucky enough to see both my parents' alive for it.  They love each other, I know this, but they never say it.  I've never seen them hug or kiss (God Forbid) or any sign of physical affection (that might mean they <gasp> like each other!)... SO, it will be interesting.  Why is it at my house; knowing how much having people over tears at my insecurities... well, its next door and my Dad doesn't do celebrations, funerals, graduations or any sort of events.....  so yes....  he won't be going anywhere unless its next door.   

My Sister and I say we should have a 'Thanks for Tolerating Each other for 50 years" party.  I found some 50th Anniversary gifts, but most seemed to ooze sappiness and 50 years of adoring love, well that just isnt' the case. 

 

Oh and insecurities is knowing some of the guests are the ones who have the obsessive compulsive house keeping and home decor bug,  who undoubtedly can look down their noses at myself...  

Of course I can remind myself that academically my explorations have been incredible these last few years -  things that not everyone will ever experience... so, I'm good. 

I wish I was more devoted to my house... but I'm always distracted...something draws my attention away.....  In my head, in my world, outside in the trees, in the pasture, in a book, in my photography, but not on the boring, repetitive mundane tasks to create this spotless environment... 

No, Martha Stewart...I am not.  Food Network cooking diva, I am not.   Would I like to be better at this, yes...do I take the time and effort, on a consistent basis...well, I don't.  Those goals don't drive me....  spotless... it will never be.    

 

Pig Pen comes to mind sometimes... I guess I just can't care enough to focus on this....