Just Another Day With Me

This Week

A week ago we had  a great day.

Wednesday night it all fell apart.

Thursday was hell.

Friday was hell. 

Saturday was recovery 

and today I'm battling that anxiety... beacuse I don't like going through this. I don't like feeling this way anyways. I'm so tired -  I can't fight anything because all Iwant is peace and thats all I've wanted. I want acceptance from everyone for who I am... I don't want jealousy.  I don't need craziness....  I just want acceptance.  I can't be who everyone wants me to be. 

But I will stand up for those who I believe in.  Even if they are at odds sometimes, because that I who I am...   I'm sorry.   I can't give up friends who are meaningful to me and shouldn't be required to...   because not everyone can give us what we need but if we have enough people who help do so we can at least begin to feel whole.   Understanding and peace...  

But I can't keep standing up for friends either....  I'm tired of fighting that fight. I can't keep losing trust of everyone I know because they don't believe in me or have trust in me....

 

I can't fight. I can't stay mad... either.   I'm too tired to continue this. I really am.  I'm going to fade away if I have to keep going through this.   I'm too tired....  Its killing me.   

 

 

So.

I wasn't happy that the guns came home.  Not after what happened last month. It worries me. 

I don't mind the rifles...I don't like the handgun here.   

But I was happy to see you outside and active this weekend, I was happy to see you up playing the xbox .  I was happy that you went to the game and shopping today.  

So... that is my update.  

 

"So she wrote it in a letter all the things she couldn't say......." 

Sigh

I have felt okay today. 

I don't know what I think or feel sometimes and sometimes. 

I'm tired of FEELING.  I want all those mixed up emotions to go away.   

What I DON'T Like.

I don't like when you come home in a good mood and in a matter of 30 seconds you go from happy to ANGRY.  

WHY SHOULD I be apologetic because you got pissed off over something so FUCKING STUPID it doesn't MATTER. 

I'm GLAD I didn't tell you I'm writing on this blog again. SO WHENVER THE FUCK you FIND IT you KNOW IT was in the PAST and doesnt' MATTER NOW. 

THEN you get mad in the matter of a MINUTE and expect me to feel sorry for you.  But I'm SO UPSET I'm SHAKING - SHAKING FOR THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES and UPSET the NEXT MORNING. 

 

THEN you say "YOU DON'T MATTER" and "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU"   

 

THATS BULLSHIT.    BUT don't fucking throw shit at the walls and yell at me or the kids or go from HAPPY to FUCKING FREAKING out in a matter of a MINUTE. OVER SOMETHING THAT is something STUPID the kids do but it doesn't fucking matter in the big scheme of things. 

 

I DONT LIKE BEING NERVOUS to when you'll go from HAPPY to ANGRY in the matter of a MINUTE.    AND NOW I DONT WANT TO TALK AGAIN.  BECAUSE in ONE minute OVER A TOOTHBRUSH you lost that trust again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

What does it do?

I often get very enthusiastic reactions to my photography...and I wonder...  because it seems to come so naturally to me.  What is it.  I mean everyone has a camera.  What do I "see" that they don't  see.  Anyone can do this...its not like Algebra or drawing a picture with my hands.  I'm using technology to create a vision.  I'm constantly observing things though. I look at everything as a potential composition.  I look for details, the little things.   What is it that makes an artist... I don't quite get it. I know I can take a shot that I feel is blah and make something worth looking at....  but, I don't quite get "photography" its still such a novelty for me... I love the feedback I get, it feeds my ego....  but I don't get it...  anyone could or can do it, yet the more photography I look at the more I realize that not everyone can do quite what I do...  perhaps that is why it is art. I always felt photography was more of a science and you just needed equipment to be a photographer, nothing special...  but, it is special isn't it.   If its your passion. 

I Wonder...

Why would anyone love "me" enough...  to think they couldn't live without me.  I can see a million things that I hate about myself. A million things that I want to change. A million things that make me unworthy of anyone loving me to that degree.  

I'm selfish

I'm arrogant

I'm cold (sometimes)

I'm vain 

I'm insecure

I judge others 

I'm not as generous as I could be

I'm not a helicopter parent

I'm not involved 

I disconnect

I'm secretive and value my privacy...........  

I'm open... 

Sometimes I don't answer calls because people exhaust me

I like my own company more than others 

I'm narcissistic 

I'm too driven by goals... 

I'm too obsessive 

I hate that I'm obsessive 

My mind cycles through thoughts, My mind loops through thoughts I can't stop it, it bothers me. 

I can't watch a television show, why would anyone want to be with someone who can't focus 

Photography consumes me - more than anything.  

I hate cleaning, its repetitive, I can't do it, like normal people do. I wish I obsessed over having shining floors. I wish I built my self esteem based on my home decor. I wish I built myself over that... 

I wish I wanted a simple life....  SIMPLE....  I wish my emotions were simple..I wish I didn't believe in so much. I wish I didn't believe in fate, Karma and that everything happens for a reason.... 

Sometimes I crave intellectual conversation that comes off as arrogant to others, I like philosophy, well written literature and fine art.... because its beautiful... because its powerful because I can see what "great' people did. People who are remembered.   People who make an impact five hundred years later.  

I love history...I love knowing that people who came before me were the same... yet they made an impact on who I am....   

 

Why would anyone love me....  to to the extent that without me, they wouldn't want to live... thats stupid...  because I'm not wonderful..

 

Why would anyone not see the wonder within themselve s and the world and not want to be here to see so many things happen... 

 

If I died today..... If I wrecked my car...and was gone forever..I would still be a spirit....  I wouldn't be gone....   but the people I left behind would have to wake up and see the beautiful blue sky, or the rain and the clouds and go on....  I would soon be a memory to be forgotten...  

 

Really nothing important...   

 

 

Inside

I went to see Sting in concert this week in Dallas. It was the sixth show that I've been to.  Three Police shows and three Sting concerts.  He's by far my favorite. An influence in my life since childhood.  His music, lyrics and sophistication have fueled my desire for knowledge.  I love the strength and soothing tones of his voice.   He performed this song "Inside" which I thought was great...

Inside by Sting

I have always loved this song. I never understood it until he explained it.... he said this song is about how love can heal you, or it can destroy you.  I can see how love can destroy a person.  I can see its power, its fury, its force... the thought of not having someone you love or being hurt by those your love or its healing power.....  

This song...has been a favorite for nearly a decade... and I could feel its strength..but I could never quite understand its meaning.... 

Love is annihilation

Radiate me, subjugate me, incubate me, recreate me, demarcate me, educate me, punctuate me, evaluate me, conjugate me, impregnate me, designate me, humiliate me, segregate me, opiate me, calibrate me, replicate me

 

Still Procrastinating...

I am struggling with this assignment for Monday. Its boring.  I can see why high school kids disconnect from learning something that doesn't interest them at all. I'm there. I can't focus.  I am disconnected.   

I like to disconnect sometimes.......   to not let you into my head. You reading this. I haven't let you into this blog in months.  

I could sit and write profound things about the knowledge I am gleaning from Graduate school.  From the wisdom the academy is imparting upon my receptive little neurons... but, here I am sitting about thinking about soaking in a hot bath and reading a very dry article.  Very dry.  

Boring...  but maybe with a hot bath it will lose its boredom.  Maybe...  Nothing can cure what ills you like a hot bath.   And maybe.....   just maybe... the ability to focus, that would help me.  Its midnight already...  

 

Why Do I?

Procrastinate, instead of just DOING something like I'm supposed to I sit around and THINK about doing it.  I don't do it. I worry.  Why can't I just motivate myself to GET THINGS DONE. What is WRONG with me, when I role over in bed and think "I'll just do it tomorrow"  - and then finally the deadline arrives and I panic and not put 100% into it.  WHY... ME.   

I have major projects due in three weeks. Not to mention smaller assignments. I promised myself I will get some o fthem done today.  I will... I must. I can't let the deadlines arrive...  

There is only one way to success and that is to DO the work that I am procrastinating at....

 

So

I'm going to write here for me.  I'm not writing here "for readers" I want viewers for my photography, because that strokes my ego.  I'm not a blogger out looking for recognition. I'm not writing to go to a Blogger Convention to meet other people who write. I don't understand that mentality that because you write on a webpage you have to meet with other people who write.   

I want to write more about my Marriage issues and problems and things that lead up to such trauma as filing for divorce.  Maybe about what it is like to be in your 30s struggling to identify yourself.   I think, identity goes into so many of my issues.   While I know we're all insignificant in the end, some of us desire that recognition more than others.  I am one of them.  Maybe its because I had an awful time in Junior High and High School was tolerable but not comfortable.  Maybe its because sometimes I still feel like the most awkward, ugly person in the room when I walk into a group of people.   Sometimes...I feel like I've defined myself by being married since I was 18, and it was that fear that I was missing something that could be better.  SO many fears.   

This fall has been terrifying.   It began a week after school started.   I over-reacted to something that happened but I was already overwhelmed... I am surprised I've kept up in my classes with everything that has happened.  

I want to be trusted