So tonight on the longest night ever (really). I was angry today. Just cranky, tired of everything. Now, I am trying to cut back on soda (argh) and sugar (double argh) and eat healthy (blech). I also want to exercise more (yay). So, I suppose I had a few factors contributing to my sullen mood. I have had my first weekend without portrait photography since August now. I did go out and shoot both days, so it was not a photography free wekend. I had a wedding cancel for June (I'm glad I was told early) but I'm definitely going to start charging a retainer because I don't like my time being wasted (unless I'm wasting it). I canceled a portrait session because of the weather (and it ended up just being dark and grey out on this shortest day of the year).
I am training Pumpkin or "The Dingo" - since she is an Australian Cattle Dog - to ride in the car and go out with me. She doesn't like riding in the car very much and whines a lot but she's catching on. She was purchased to live in the yard most of the time (not all of the time) - but she's our housedog right now. A puppy is very much a toddler. This morning she woke me up by laying across me chewing on her toys and occasionally batting me in the face to wake me up. I don't get the constant "rehoming" I see people do of pets on Facebook.
I had to get out of the house. I had to be alone (or as alone as you can get with five dogs). Some things get to me. My worthless Masters Degree. Which I think without a PhD a Masters doesn't do a lot of good. The fact that I'm not getting a teaching job - why? I dont know. I've been out of teaching for too long, or I am over qualified, or maybe my references are bad, which would anger me because I actually cared about my job when I was there and I left it also because I cared too much. Why would I want to do anything when my heart wasn't into it?
So for all of my hours and hours and hours (over two hundred and fifty) of higher education... I am only making money doing something I taught myself!!! Do you know how ridiculous that FEELS? Something I do out of my desire to be alone, my desire for solitude has brought people to me! That is just crazy to me. But I'm not making enough money and honestly I think I'd rather be teaching. I want to be doing something that FEELS relevant to me. This doesn't. Sure I want to master the craft but maybe I'd rather be teaching it. Because I'm a teacher. But I can't be that perfect, politically correct tool of the state either. It bothers me.
I did go to the back pasture and run probably a half mile. I felt better. But I was excited to find these trees that were covered in these cool mushrooms. That's a first for me. It's so neat to find something new on a property that you thought you knew very well.
Anyways I only took one lens with me, I didn't think I'd do much shooting and I took the 50mm because it is really my best lens right now and I want to train myself to view the world differently by shooting fixed.
So this tree was really cool, I'm going to photograph it again. Maybe tomorrow.
Sometimes it's hard to decide what to line up for your background whent the tree is crooked, so you look at the roots.
Have I told you how much I love to eat mushrooms! No? I love mushrooms, not wild ones. But, the Portobello ones you get in stores. Mushrooms in omelets, on my steak, on burgers. Oh, I love them. I love their earthy flavor. They taste like winter, they taste like the earth smells this time of year.
So, for whatever reason I've never walked behind this one little pond. I did today. I keep hearing an owl hooting when I'm out at about dusk so I thought I'd go look for it. I didn't find it. I did see a big nest, I'll have to go back out with a telephoto and be patient. I'd love to photograph an owl.
I felt better after some time outside. I don't mind the dreary days as long as I'm outside. I actually enjoy this weather. I do like to see the sun occasionally but I kind of love 50 degree days in the winter. They're perfect for running and great for walking too. Plus I get a kick out of watching my clients shiver and complain about the cold when it feels nice to me; it feels nice because this is what it's supposed to feel like in winter and it never stays cold long down here.
So a little oil industry shot for you. The frackers are gone, the whatever rig they had up the other day was gone and this is what was going on today. I'm not sure but from what I understand it is probably producing a lot, and under a lot of pressure. So I went home.
I'm not as cranky as I was, but I'm still not feeling like myself. I don't know if I can continue this world as a portrait photogrpher but I can't not have a job. I hate being totally dependent on someone else, I like having my own income, it just doesn't seem wise to be dependent on one income. So pairing my frustration, Winter depression and exhaustion, I'm also disappointed in myself for not being in shape like I was last winter before I hurt my ankle. Taking care of your own health, takes thought and time, which I haven't given it this year. I don't know. So I'll say goodnight.