Time to be alone.
These are a few shots that grabbed on the way to my Mom's today to pick up my sick 13 year old's homework.
I was criticized for saying that I hated to look at bad photography. Yet, photography to some degree is not subjective at all. If you don't have a clear subject or your subject is out of focus; I can't call that a good photograph. If I can tell your intent is to take a good photograph yet there is no focus, then that is not a good photograph. I see many pages of "almost" good photographers. I often think I'm an "almost good" photographer sometimes when I'm working on portraiture, but I also realize that the better your gear and glass is it is easier to capture the shots that are in your mind's eye. But you can't compensate for your equipment in your processing of images, you are far better off taking a good photograh straight out of your camera and understanding how your camera works than trying to "edit it good." I was also told that other photographers might not think I'm a good photographer and certainly there would be portrait photographers who would probably shudder at some of my portraits. But, while there is a degree of subjectivity to portraits and how you like your lighting, it comes down to is the subject in focus.
I've had to stop this week. I know I still have a big project to finish editing, but I needed a few days from not editing any portrait work. I'm in the process of decision making. I need a change. I need to be able to be the person I used to be who felt independent and sure of my skills and my wage earning ability.
So 2014 I've had the experience of doing something I love and making money at it. In 2014 I've been so busy with portraiture I've put other things I've wanted to do on the side. This is the first time I've had three days in a row where I haven't been totally focused on portrait work.
I love photography and this ability I seem to have. It is something I never asked for or anticipated in my life. Photography is my life happening to me. It was not anything I deeply desired as a child. Photography is an outlet for my introversion. It allows me solitude without appearing awkward or strange, it allows me to go to other people's parties, events and make money and participate as an observer.
I think because of the Autism in our family, the world of people has always been that of feeling like an outsider. Observing others and their behavior, so I can learn how to interact with people. Dealing with people does not come naturally to me at all. I'm extremely uncomfortable in small groups as much as I love teaching and lecturing. I pushed myself in public speaking as a teenager because I wanted that confidence of an audience. I am not naturally comfortable around people. I hate interviews, I wish when I interviewed I could teach a lesson because that is where I'm comfortable. There aren't a lot of people that I'm drawn to. There never has been.
Can you believe the timing for this golden hour shot? I love the gorgeous shots I can get with the 70/200 f/2.8 lens, it blows me away with it's performance. Last fall I had my primary lens break and last winter wasn't good for my photography but that turned around this year.
I went back to look at the artist that helped teach the initial digital photography class I attended in 2009 and I realize that I'm no longer that impressed with her art. The power of learning is seeing the imperfections in people that you learned from.
So I thought there were specks all over this image from the lens; nope, just birds. This year I have found that I value solitude the solitude I gain from nature photography. I have also valued the experience of managing my own business but I do not want to be defined by that. Tonight wasn't long enough outdoors. But it is a start and I can't wait for the winter when I have time to enjoy photography for the sake of photography.